REALLY!?!

So, I was standing at the coffee counter at Barnes and Noble, laughing with the barista who had been there since 5a.m. & could not keep my order straight (simple: venti iced almond latte). Another customer, a non-descript, middle-aged gentleman, walked up beside me and warned "You better watch out for this one" (referring to the barista). We both laughed along with him, assuming he was talking about her mental exhaustion. But then he added, "She shorted me a dollar earlier." Poor barista chick's face suddenly turned mortified, "Did I really?!" she questioned, concerned. "Yes, but its ok," offered the strange little man. I was puzzled by his need to wait until this moment to bring up the discrepancy, but was soon distracted by more questioning.

"Have you seen the Russell Crowe movie A Good Year?" asked creepy old guy (as he had now been renamed in my head). "No, but a friend of mine was just talking about it and said it was pretty good." (Actually, Jerusalem had blogged about it, but I have discovered when you throw "a friend of mine just posted about that" into normal conversation, people look at you strange.) He went on to tell me what a good movie it was, and how wonderful it would be to live in an Italian villa, and other things I was too nervous to listen to because he was staring at me.

How's that coffee coming along...?

The clincher, was when he asked me if I'm a teacher. "Excuse me?" I asked incredulously. "You're a teacher, aren't you? You look like the teacher type" (as he threw glances at my thick-framed glasses, green cardigan and funky red sandals). "No, I'm not a teacher." was all I could offer, as I moved slowly and cautiously to the other end of the counter. Not that I have anything against the profession of teaching (I've actually seriously considered pursuing it on several occasions and have held several positions that involved working with kids), but was that seriously his pick-up line?!

Has my spinster status really set in? Is it time to get some cats? New B&N Cafe motto: abandon hope, all ye who enter here...

At times like this, continuing with one's life seems impossible & eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable. I have two choices - give up & accept permanent state of spinsterhood & eventual eating by dogs, or not. And this time, I choose not. I will not be defeated… Instead, I choose vodka & Chaka Khan.

~ Bridget Jones

just call me a cynical optimist…

So, I was reminded once again that fairytales do not exist when I read a blog post yesterday. I still refuse to become jaded, but my heart truly was broken to learn of the divorce of one of my favorite couples. The bright side is I’m not as much of a music & internet junkie as I’ve been accused of, seeing as the split occurred in February of last year (though, as I commented on the other post, perhaps I was sustaining my delusion by subconsciously shielding myself from information I did not want to believe). To understand the sadness of this news, you have to know the rest of the story.
In the beginning, Victoria Williams was a young songwriter emerging from Louisiana and making her way ‘cross country to the other L.A. where she met and briefly married her first musical soulmate, Peter Case. A prolific songwriter, quirky individual and incredibly talented musician, Victoria’s career was thrown a curve when she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Cue the Sweet Relief album, which is when I was actually introduced to this beautiful artist in High School. Some fabulous musicians came together and put out a cover album of her music, with all proceeds going toward her increasing medical bills.

Mark Olson, a talented songwriter and musician himself, was a co-founder of Americana poster boys the Jayhawks in the early 90’s. If any of you were nerdy enough (like me) to watch VH1 when MTV was still cool, you may recall the Jayhawk’s song Blue was the theme for the Crossroads video show (first place I ever heard Jewel perform, back when she was still real and good, before she started forcing herself to be something else). Mark was smitten with Victoria before they ever started dating, and even crafted the song Ms. William’s Guitar in her honor. He stood by her during her first bout with M.S., made an honest woman of her, and then left the Jayhawks to move out to a cabin in the Joshua Tree dessert with her and make a home and record music together.

I had the privilege of seeing them perform together twice at Juanita’s in Little Rock. When they sang together, Mark would watch Victoria with a big grin and crinkled eyes. She radiated such a joyful spirit, and he soaked it up. All of the stories they would tell, or that you would read, about their time together in the dessert and on the road wove a tale of true love, deep faith, and simple living. All was right and beautiful… and they weren’t afraid to be real and share about the stuff that wasn’t always so right and beautiful.

But the center does not hold. The woman with the sweet, childlike spirit and voice had this to say about the breakup: "He's definitely still very mad at me for divorcing him. After I found out Mark had taken up with the girl he was seeing before we got married, I filed for divorce. But when he told this woman about our divorce, she dropped him, and now she's having a baby with someone else. So now he's mad at me for being so quick to divorce him, which he said was 'like a horse running to water.' Call me old-fashioned, but if you're having sex with another woman while you're married to me, it's over!"

So they’re continuing to tour together, but the love and the trust is shattered. Can the music ever be the same? Will it be nearly as enjoyable when they are watching the audience instead of stealing glances at each other? I don’t think my glass is half-empty, but it definitely needs to be topped off.


When we sing together, we sing a song that’s new
We sing a song that’s new, so the children will remember
See me smile; Is this you singing with me?

When we laugh together, we laugh about old quarrels
We laugh about old quarrels,
Till they’re smoothed out like the water
Birds on high sweetly sing songs of hope

Through sorrow and circumstance
Fine jewels and unpaid rent
A day in the sun, a year in the dark
Holding to the fire we had when there was nothing but a spark
Spun our wheels, made our deals, nearly broke our hearts

When we pray together, we share a perfect love
We share a perfect love for the beauty God has given
Angels know later on we’ll see it all

~ throw your hands up at me ~

Monday night I participated in a taping of the Revive Our Hearts radio show with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Nancy had a special guest in town, Carolyn McCulley, discussing the topic of singleness. This particular taping was more of a question-answer session with the audience, as never married, currently married and formerly married women discussed the joys and the challenges of being single. I appreciated Carolyn’s heart and was laughing at the familiarity of many of the stories she shared.

At one point in the conversation, Nancy was really pressing the topic of “pursuing”, and opened the floor up to any questions the audience had on the subject. An 18 year old college freshman raised her hand and wanted to ask a question on behalf of a friend. Her friend (whom I gathered was close to if not the same age) was not pursuing a relationship, but had been pursued by several guys. This friend feels called to be a missionary, and as her “pursuers” do not have a similar calling, she has declined their interest. The audience member was asking what the friend should do about these pursuits.

What happened next put my body into near shock. My chest tightened. My heart was racing. It was as if I was listening to the conversation from a distant observation point. Carolyn’s response was to compare this friend’s call to missions with an irrational “ideal-mate checklist” (i.e. he has to dress nice, play guitar, like puppies…). She mentioned that we tend to set too many expectations for what our lives will be, and that when we marry our responsibility is to submit to our husband’s call for his life. (Note that I am not quoting word-for-word, as I was in a daze and could not shake myself to take notes). She said that marriage is meant to interrupt our plans for our lives.

I don’t whole heartedly disagree with what Carolyn was saying, I just felt that she was completely missing the point and speaking to something entirely different. This girl has a call on her life (and, in reality, don’t we all?) to “go into all the world and make disciples of all nations”. And she is not willing to settle for “some guy” and surrender that call. The impression that was left was that women do not have individual callings on their lives from God, that a woman’s sole calling is to be a wife, that a woman has no purpose for God apart from marriage, and that singleness is not an option but rather a waiting period.

I couldn’t hold it in. I had to raise my hand and ask for clarification. I asked how she would suggest that women who do feel called to be single can pursue God’s call for their lives wholeheartedly and still pursue what she calls “biblical femininity”. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what I asked, as my mind was racing and my voice was shaking. I tried not to use her terms and I tried really hard not to sound attacking or defensive. I brought in John Piper’s recent sermon, which I could tell from the responses I got that both Carolyn and Nancy had read.

Carolyn McCulley sort-of tried to respond but ultimately fell back into the “most women are called to be married and should spend their singleness preparing for marriage” monologue. It broke my heart. It was like she had no concept of singleness apart from marriage, of singleness as a life option, of singleness as an opportunity to fully pursue the heart and mission of God for His world. Luckily Nancy Leigh DeMoss did chime in and reference several single female missionaries who had tremendous impact for Christ. Now I don’t always agree with everything Nancy says or writes (and I’m certain she would not agree with everything I say and write), but I very much appreciated her help that night and my heart was able to sit back and rest a little.

I wonder if Miss McCulley has taken a Perspectives course? I think it would expand her vision a bit. And I think I now know what I will share with my own Perspectives class when we have our celebration/wrap-up next week.

The conversation continued to weigh on me as I left the recording. I stayed up writing down thoughts that night. I woke up writing down thoughts the next morning. I sat in my car in the parking deck at the office pouring thoughts onto paper. Once I finally made it to my desk, I kept a document opened on my computer to continue capturing all of the emotions and questions that were running through my mind. I think I am coming alarmingly close to adding yet another book on singleness to the store shelves.

I could not escape the plaguing question of what we are teaching our young girls (and our young boys, for that matter). Remember this post? How many of our children and youth even know that singleness is an option for their life, whether for a season or for a lifetime? Are we teaching our kids to pursue a good, Christian family, or are we teaching them to pursue Christ and his commands? A life lived desiring to fully live out the Great Commandment and the Great Commission is going to look fairly similar whether lived out as a single or lived out as a wife and mother (and both situations will bring unique joys and challenges). But a life lived simply in pursuit of marriage, and not in pursuit of the heart of God is going to be empty and meaningless, whether a husband comes along or not.

word up.

"As long as you are single, this is your calling: to so live for Christ as to make it clearer to the world and to the church

1. That the family of God grows not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ;
2. That relationships in Christ are more permanent, and more precious, than relationships in families;
3. That marriage is temporary, and finally gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing all along: Christ and the church—the way a picture is no longer needed when you see face to face;
4. And that faithfulness to Christ defines the value of life; all other relationships get their final significance from this. No family relationship is ultimate; relationship to Christ is.

To him be glory in the Christ-exalting drama of marriage and the Christ-exalting drama of the single life. Amen"

~ John Piper

How Not To Get Married...

My well intentioned plan of writing incessantly over my vacation unfortunately never came to fruition. Many of you have been kind enough to inform me of this (some of you multiple times), just in case in my whirl of relaxation I failed to recognize this fact. Rest assured, I am well aware of the status of my blog and have been reading Bird by Bird in an effort to cure my ailment.

With that out of the way, I would like to approach the promised subject of Dating Advice from the Pollack Brothers. Timely advice, I might add, seeing as the boys returned yesterday from nomadic adventures abroad (no doubt scattering their seeds of wisdom about as they traveled).

It all started when our home hosted a yard sale to benefit the nomads’ travels.

Actually, that’s untrue… it all started almost a year ago with Angelika and I purchased a birthday gift for young Meredith. We had Bible Study every Sunday night at Angelika’s, and had decorated the apartment in orange (Methy’s signature color) in celebration of her life. Meredith came in, excited by all of the beautiful decorations, and was presented with her gift. Angelika and I, concerned for Meredith’s relationship prospects (and having no sage advice to offer of our own), had chosen for her a book entitled How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. This would have been enough to make Meredith hurl, but the subtitle was the icing on the cake: Be Dating in Six Months or Your Money Back. We all had a good laugh as we read the back cover and table of contents, and Meredith thanked us like any polite Southern girl for our gracious gift.

So the book sat on some dark shelf or piled in a random corner in Meredith’s apartment for months until she began packing to move off to graduate school.

Then one weekend our home hosted a yard sale to benefit the nomads’ travels. Friends brought by boxes of picture frames, vases, books, random kitchen appliances and various odds-and-ends for the community to barter over. It started early, and we were very tired all day… therefore, everything was extremely humorous. We tried on clothes, came up with new uses for old items and marveled at the visitors and conversations that ensued.

And then Marty picked up the book. He started reading excerpts from chapters to us out loud. We laughed hysterically. Then we informed him it was a Christian author. He stood incredulously. And this was his reaction: (*** for some reason, blogger won't let me attach the photos, so you will have follow this link. please note how nicely Heather’s snake skin cowgirl hat compliments his grey wife-meeter)

What could have caused such a reaction from such a subdued man, you ask? There is sooo much, I couldn’t help but give you the play-by-play:

THE PROGRAM
(you’re supposed to put a team together that you meet with on a regular basis to hold you accountable for fulfilling these steps, by the way)
Step One: Log the Number of Eligibles You Meet Each Week
New People + Interest + Ability to Follow Through = A Date
Step Two: Log the Reason for the Number

(if you don’t meet any new people, have no interactions, or can’t get their contact information, there’s obviously something wrong with you)
Step Three: Own the Reason for the Numbers and Play the Movie
(in which Dr. Cloud encourages you to buy another book of his to help figure out why you’re so hopeless)
If You Say “There Are No Good Prospects,” You Don’t Get It.
(well, now I feel encouraged… maybe he should check the statistics on single men vs. women… and especially on single Christian men vs. single Christian women!)
Oh, and he quotes a verse (Proverbs 13:4) ~ The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.
Meet Five a Week
Now, the point of this particular exercise is apparently not about finding a date as much as it is about finding yourself… Screw the fact that you have no intention of calling the guy you just got a number from and he will sit at home feeling dejected because he truly thought you were interested in him… this isn’t about his feelings, it is about you finding your dynamic dating self!
Change Your Traffic Pattern
At Mosaic, we have worked hard from the beginning to emphasize that our Young Adults Ministry is not a Singles Ministry, it is not an entertainment ministry and it is definitely not a dating service. If natural relationships develop in the midst of serving God in community, that’s fabulous. But if someone comes to our church for the express purpose of finding someone to marry, they probably won’t stay long.

However, Dr. Cloud seems to see visiting churches as a great place to hook up, and if you don’t have luck at the first one, keep shopping around. After all, shouldn’t the body of Christ be akin to one big cocktail party where the focus is on the mixing and mingling and such? He also references a group called SWARM (Single Women Actively Recruiting Men) who would throw parties and gatherings to set people up. I kept looking for the “just kidding” part.
Get Over the Stigma: Join a Service
…where the advice includes: “Don’t limit yourself, when you create your profile, with a rigid list of requirements and expectations.”
… because, obviously, you wouldn’t want a service you’re paying for to return a quality product?
Stick With It, and Get Your Numbers Up
Again with the numbers… geesh! Oh, and more scripture (Ecclesiastes 11:1,6): Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again… Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let not your hands be idle, for you do not know what will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well.
Hey, Beavis… this guy wants me to Sow my Seed every morning… ha ha… ha ha…
Get Your Team Together
My favorite part of this chapter is that he states one of the things you will need “as you walk the dating path” is “wisdon”. The editor didn’t catch that?! My spell check just tried to correct it three times!
Tie Me to a Tree
because you wouldn’t actually want to pursue one of these numbers you’re racking up…
Don’t Limit Yourself to a Type
1. If dating is not about marriage, why does it matter? (just use people to get your numbers up)
2. Types are often rooted in pathology. (which is why you’re single in the first place…)
3. You don’t know what you don’t know. (because dating is the only way to get to know people)
4. Practice being a person and have good experiences. (its not personal, its business…)
Check Your Expectations at the Door
Forget Love at First Sight
Go Out With Almost Anyone Once, and Maybe Again
Date a Non-Christian?
I lumped the above four together because they fly square in the face of all of the curriculum and camps I spent my high school experience listening to. And why are these things suddenly ok? Because, apparently dating suddenly has nothing to do with marriage. (oh, and Conservative Christianity is suddenly terrified that there are not enough children to indoctrinate and that all of the adults who are products of their “True Love Waits” and “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” campaigns will turn into homosexuals and take over the world)
Drop Your Hankie (or Palm Pilot)
Bend and Snap, baby… Bend and Snap…
Follow a Strategy from Beginning to Middle to End
Be Yourself from the Beginning
Don’t Play Games
Wait, I’m really confused…. Program, Strategy, Log, Numbers… Be Yourself & Don’t Play Games…
Where is the Testosterone?
Apparently we are not to be picky or have expectations, but we should draw the line at passive men. (Men with a totally different world view than our own are fine, but passiveness is completely unacceptable)
Keep Your Boundaries and Don’t Settle
Well this sounds like a fool proof program absolutely not developed by a schizophrenic, moving on…

Get Your Dating Self in Shape
Since I spent so much time on the program, I’ll simply focus on the chapter in this section entitled “Unleash Your Libido or Reel It In”. Marty really enjoyed the quote (which was in bold and set apart from the rest of the text): I do not advocate sexual acting out. I advocate sexual ownership as a part of who you are.

So why am I so hard on Dr. Cloud and his book? (Why did we all get such a good laugh out of it?) Part Four of the book is titled “Stay Focused on What’s Important”. We thought that was what we were trying to do. Living Godly lives in community with other believers, sharing God’s love, serving each other, serving as the Body of Christ together. We had no idea that what was really important was finding a mate so that we could move to the suburbs and live in little individual houses and raise kids who love Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, we know those things are important… I love families and I love kids and I really love families and kids who love Jesus. My point is, singleness is not about making lists and swapping churches and trying people out until you find one that fits. Singleness is about living life just like any Christian should… pursuing God and his call on your life with passion, living out the “red-letter” words of Jesus in everyday encounters, learning and radiating contentment as you grow in your relationship with the Creator of the Universe. If someone comes along for you to share that with, fabulous… and it’s not that I don’t think we should pursue potential dating relationships. But this “program” seems to require a lot of focus and effort, and I would rather give that focus and effort to the Lord.

So the dating advice I received from the Pollack brothers was:
a. rip this book apart and throw it in the trash (I’m throwing it away as soon as I’m done typing the summary)
b. continue living as a woman of God… offering hospitality, looking for ways to serve others and spread the love of Christ for all people, being mindful of how my actions can affect my brothers and sisters in Christ, devouring God’s Word, lifting praise and thanksgiving to the Lord…
c. Brad promised to write his own “dating guide” based on the life of Paul which he would title If You Must…

quirkyalone?

so, I came across this site (anyone read this book? I haven't heard anything about it). I took the quiz & got the following result:

How quirkyalone are you?
Your score was 90. Very quirkyalone:
Relatives may give you quizzical looks, and so may friends, but you know in your heart of hearts that you are following your inner voice. Though you may not be romancing a single person, you are romancing the world. Celebrate your freedom on National Quirkyalone Day, February 14th!

according to the website, this is not about being anti-love... it is more about being romantic to the point that you would rather be contently single than be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship... very interesting. of course now I am experiencing deja vu and feel like maybe I have posted about this before. oh well.

from the mouths of babes...

(while we're bouncing a ball back and forth, mind you...)

Meredith Li: Are you married?

Me: No.

Meredith Li: Are you single?

Me: Yes.

Meredith Li: I want to be single...

How precious is that? Its enough to make me want to stay single, except then I wouldn't be able to be a momma to kiddos like the Li girls!

She said love? Lord above!

I apologize for not writing in a while. Internet has been down off-and-on both at home and at work. Of course, I could have taken my laptop to Java and accomplished something there but, to be perfectly honest, I have been spending time with someone lately. I know this may come as a shock to some of you, seeing as I am not prone to fits of spontaneous dating, but I really like this guy. And I wouldn’t call the time I spend with him dating, especially since a date generally entails involvement of both parties. But I have been spending significant time with him and I feel I am a better person because of it. He and I are on the same page.

More precisely, I am on page 75 of Searching for God Knows What. I finally read Blue Like Jazz a few months ago and, after reading a couple of other books, I was drawn back to Donald Miller again to read Searching for God. I was only a few chapters into it when I took a brief interlude to read Through the Painted Desert. Hurricane Katrina has had me glued to my television all week and significant energies have been devoted to the celebration of Yetty and Mac’s marital ceremonies, but I am spending the rest of my Labor Day weekend unwinding with Donald.

I have fallen in love with musicians before (Townes Van Zandt, Gram Parsons, Chris Taylor, Rhett Miller, each and every guy in Old Crow Medicine Show), but rarely with an author that I recall. Most of my favorite authors are women, and since I could never be a lesbian because girls are so catty (aside from the whole morality issue), I have not fallen for any of them. I had an infatuation with Fitzgerald in high school, but our values were too opposed for me to fall in love with him. Donald and I, on the other hand, understand each other. Or rather, I feel like I get him, seeing as he has no idea who I am. Realistically, I am sure he sounds much better on paper. I know that I can present pieces of myself on paper that display my wit, my charm and my eccentricities. However, I can refrain from discussing how I clear my sinuses in the shower, or clip my toenails while watching Best Week Ever, or pull into Shakey’s twice in one day. Or I can tell you all of those things and spin them into quirky anecdotes. My point being, my life isn’t nearly as interesting as my writing and everybody poops. I poop. Jesus pooped. Donald Miller poops. But he is also an excellent writer, and I am drawn to people’s words.

In books, in songs, in conversation – I love the way human use language to interact with one another, and I love people who do it well. That’s why I love Gilmore Girls. Amy Sherman-Palladino focuses so much on what is being said and how it is being said that language and its delivery should win an Emmy for best supporting actor. As much as I adore Sookie and Lorelai, their lives would appear extremely mundane without their witty banter.

So for me, I guess communication and self-presentation skills are what make a person sexy. All of us lead mundane lives, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make them sound more intriguing. Some people have beautiful bodies and some people have beautiful brains, and I know many people who are blessed with both. Some people use their bodies to attract people, and some bodies attract others without trying. Some people use their brains to attract people, and some brains attract others without trying. I don’t know if Donald Miller intended to attract people through his writing, but I for one am definitely smitten.

on being single...

I am a hopeless romantic. I actually possess items that I would like to use at my wedding reception. I also have plans for my dress, the ceremony and, of course, the music. I have paintings and a vintage blanket for a future nursery. And I have dreams of sitting on the back porch with my soul mate, watching our children run barefoot through our garden digging for worms. These are all things that are deep in my heart. However, over the last year or so, I have come to recognize another section of my soul. This space has been hidden, clouded by all of the things I thought I needed and that my family seems concerned that I don’t have. I have discovered a place in my soul that has assured me that I could be content in a single lifestyle.

Many people would probably laugh at the idea of me being content as a lifelong single. Most who know me know of my intricate plans of marriage and babies, home and hearth. However, most who truly know me would probably agree that I would be ok without those things. When I became a Christian at the age of 15, I was pulled out of a lifestyle where relationships were everything. I was always dating somebody, even though I was too young to make any kind of commitment to another person (or, for that matter, to make wise choices as to who I should date). I was counseled very early on about the importance of guarding my heart and refraining from physical relationships. I took this advice to heart, and perhaps the reality of it permeated through my glands to ward off any would be suitors. I have not been asked out on a date, going on 13 years now. I am fully aware that the apprehension to dating that was brainwashed into me during the True Love Waits epidemic probably caused me to miss out on potential relationships. I also know that I have been a friend with enough guys that my personality is not completely unapproachable, and that the entire burden does not belong to me. I have to believe that somewhere in the midst of those 13 years was God, either a. saving me for an incredible relationship yet to come or b. preparing me for singleness.

Have I grown selfish in my time as a single? Have I grown so comfortable with myself that I no longer want to share that comfort with someone else? Society seems to enjoy writing singleness off as a selfish decision. Perhaps it allows a blind eye to be turned to the shades of selfishness that lead to 50% of marriages ending in divorce. Humans are selfish creatures, despite our marital status, and that is simply a fact of life in a fallen world we have to daily contend with. I know that I have lived in a selfish manner for the past several years, and I know that I am taking steps to turn that lifestyle around. It was very easy to ignore that fact, until I took a serious look at my life and realized that it wasn’t fit for me to live in as a single or as a wife and mother. I look at the life of Rich Mullins, who I’m sure would take issue the amount of sainthood he is given in so many people’s eyes (including my own), and see what it is to truly live for others. In his short life, Rich was dedicated to bringing the love of Christ to people who may have never felt love. As a single and childless man, Rich consoled the hearts of more women and touched the hearts of more children than he ever could have as a father and husband. I don’t know what kind of deep longing existed in his heart that may not have been fulfilled, but I know that he sought the heart of God, and that he sought authentic community with other believers, and that this was manifested in a life that was poured out with great intensity.

In high school, I became the Christian my church leaders wanted me to be (and I am forever grateful for their spiritual guidance during my early years). In college, I began to understand the freedom I had to question some of the things I had accepted at face value, and I simultaneously began to pull away from the church and grow deeper in my faith. I spent the first two years out of college feeling completely lost and alone. And now, over the past four years, I have truly begun to grow into myself. I have found a church home that encompasses so much of what my heart, and my understanding of God’s Word, tells me the Church should be. My personality has turned in directions I would not have imagined. My goals and priorities have taken a drastic turn for the better just in the past year. Had I married someone during any of my previous stages of life, I feel like I would have become stagnant in that form. I know that the person I would have chosen to give my heart to would not have been the person I would willingly entrust it to today. Had I handed my heart over, I would have never grown into the person I have come to know and love.

Do I still hold out hope of finding love and being able to pass that love along to my children? Of course. But the part of my journey I have arrived at is that spot in the road where I have realized that marriage is not my destination. Living a full and free life in Christ is my destination, and encouraging others to join me in my journey. If I should find a soul mate traveling along the same road, it will be a great blessing. And if I should have the opportunity to give life to some little travelers, I will accept that gift with great responsibility. But what I have decided is that I will make every effort to fully enjoy the journey, not in the meantime, but as if it is the only time I have been given.