Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Help us, David Hasselhoff, you’re our only hope!

Loyal readers, a grave and ominous situation has been brought to my attention via the outlet of Yahoo! News. As we rebuild Iraq (after ransacking it in our search for WMDs), a darker and more menacing presence lurks beneath the Arctic waters, threatening civilization as we know it.

Al Gore (who invented Yahoo! News) has already warned us that global warming and the ensuing melting of the polar ice caps would signal our demise but, as usual, we ignore this handsomely brilliant man. Jake Gyllenhaal’s moving performance in The Day After Tomorrow also strained to make us see how not only our poor relationship with our environment, but also the exploitation and degradation of our third-world neighbors, will only prove to backfire on us as we usher in the new ice age.

However, my friends, it is not so much the ice age I wish to warn you about, but a war. Not against Osama Bin Laden (though, I do believe he is somehow involved in the deterioration of our ozone layer), but against a much older and cunning enemy. We have lived through the Cold War, but this looming war will be the coldest yet.

Two recent news headlines have made it clear that the Cold War is resurfacing, not only on our soil but in the untapped Arctic region. Melting ice is making way for new trade routes, and the world’s Superpowers (do the cool kids still use that term?) are foaming at the mouth for the opportunity to club baby seals and wear their fur… I mean acquire the region’s vast oil resources… I mean utilize a more environmentally friendly transportation option. Apparently, Russian submarines have already planted their nation’s flag under Santa’s workshop, destined to emerge in victory as the dreams of little children worldwide melt into the ocean.

I felt compelled to bring this to our attention, because there are members of the world’s population who are poorly equipped to deal with the days to come, namely, college freshmen and penguins. A Beloit College document reminds us that today’s college freshmen were born the year the Cold War ended and David Hasselhoff performed atop the crumbling Berlin Wall. In fact, they were still in their cribs for the first Gulf War. Our university students have become familiar with dessert warfare and terror alert systems, but they are ill prepared to deal with the pomp and stealth that is Mutual Assured Destruction.

So, the following is my training manual for college freshmen (or anyone who may need a refresher course) of how to survive under the cloud of counterintelligence mayhem. As for the penguins, Godspeed my little friends, I don’t think you have a Blockbuster within reach.

What to Watch
There are a myriad of movies to choose from which would prepare young souls to survive a new Cold War. This list is by no means exhaustive, but I tried to select a good cross-section of media that would train up our homeland defenders as quickly as possible.

RED DAWN - Hands down, the most essential resource for withstanding a Soviet invasion of American soil. Wolverines!

SPIES LIKE US - Hands down, the most essential resource for withstanding an American invasion of Russian soil. Doctor…

RUSSKIES - A crash course in cultural-competency… and it has Joaquin Phoenix.

WAR GAMES - Further proof that cyberspace is a dangerous place… and chess is quite a civilized game.

LITTLE NIKITA - Just another reason to rebel against your parents… and it has River Phoenix.

WHEN THE WIND BLOWS - Quite possibly the most depressing cartoon about a cute little British couple ever produced… with a David Bowie song.

What to Hear
Just as cinema abounds in Cold War training materials, so the radio (and MTV) once filled our ears with warnings about where the strife would lead.

IT’S A MISTAKE - Colin Hay and his Men at Work tried to warn us that something wasn’t right and, yet, here we are.

HERE COMES YOUR MAN - Only the Pixies can make an atomic bomb sound like a love song.

99 LUFTBALOONS - Nena was uniting East and West long before Knight Rider claimed the credit.

WORLD DESTRUCTION - Time Zone/Johnny Rotten… I still haven’t found the re-mix version from my childhood mix-tape, but plenty of versions abound (…and that’s what I’m angry about).

HEROES - David Bowie… Brian Eno… true love… ‘nuff said.

What to Read
Reading is FUNdamental, and a mind exposed only to movies and music is bound to weaken. Therefore, I have made certain to include proper literature in my training regiment.

TOM CLANCY - Read every novel the man has written, but you can start with The Hunt for Red October. After all, the submarines are responsible for planting that flag under the North Pole. In fact, it may not hurt to have your name legally changed to Jack Ryan and purchase a snazzy pair of aviator sunglasses.

MAD MAGAZINE - Climb up into your uncle’s attic… you’re bound to find boxes filled with old copies somewhere. Cut out every episode of Spy vs. Spy you come across. Enjoy the fold-ins. You can thank me later.

I pray that my words are taken to heart, and that the useless archives of pop-culture residing in my head can finally be used against the forces of evil in this world… and that the world’s oil reserves will one day be fully under (U.S.) American control.


Angelika said...

I'm still too sleepy for a more sophisticated comment, but I'm proud of you for putting up that David Hasselhoff picture! :) And now, for the rest of the day I will have stuch "the birds, and the trees ..."-rap stuck in my head! Love ya!

Kimberly said...

I knew you'd like that! "save the trees and the seas..."

Kristialyn Johnson said...

I'm bummed that I missed out on the David Hasselhoff picture. But, the article stands for itself. Thanks for giving me a link to it!